By now you’re probably tired of hearing about masculinity, patriarchy, first-, second-, and third-wave feminism, effeminacy, and transgenderism. I don’t blame you. The mudslinging, chest-thumping, and pearl-clutching that takes place everyday online can irk even the most long-suffering among us. Maybe you’ve even deleted your Twitter account (again) just to escape the noise.
Vexing as the online discourse can be, so long as biblical masculinity remains under fire both from within and without the church, men (and women) must be willing to speak, without apology, to the Bible’s positive vision for men in their homes, in the church, and in society at large. If the church collectively, and her leaders especially, won’t advance a positive vision for masculinity in our day then who will? This, I am convinced, is the leading reason why so many young men take their cues on masculinity from sources outside of their local church—because their elders are afraid or unwilling to touch the subject. There are men in your congregation, church leader, who need to hear and see you model biblical masculinity for them. If you won’t, someone else will—and you may not like the results. There are three types of men who need you to teach them how to be a man the most:
1. Men without Fathers (Literal and/or Spiritual)
Recent demographic studies have shown that the percentage of boys living apart from their biological father has almost doubled since 1960 (17% to 32% in 2022). This means that an estimated 12 million boys are growing up in families without their biological father. What these studies don’t show is how many fathers, though they still live in the same home, are relationally, emotionally, and spiritually distant from their wives and children. Think Homer Simpson at best and an abusive father at worst. That number, I have no doubt, is much higher than 32% given prevailing attitudes toward Christianity and biblical masculinity in our culture. Consequently, in the coming decades there will be a harvest white with men who will be looking for someone to lead and guide them in the way that their fathers never did. What an opportunity for the church to labor in that harvest!
Christian men must make it a point to seek out and offer encouragement to younger men who are without a literal or spiritual father figure. I know, it sounds intimidating. But know this—effective discipleship starts by simply being a friend. And anyone can be a friend. Listen to them. Talk with them about the challenges of marriage, parenting, and work. Share with them all that God has taught you in your walk with Christ. Pray. Don’t overcomplicate it. People can tell when they’re a project, so don’t approach your young men that way. Treat them the same way that Christ treats you—not as a problem to solve but as person you value and care for.
A Word of Caution
As you look to disciple the men mentioned above, please don’t make everything about masculinity. In the same way that women tire of every women’s Bible-study being on the Proverbs 31 woman, don’t make everything about “being a man.” That’s a gimmick, not discipleship. In my personal experience, masculinity as a concept was mostly caught, not taught. I learned what it meant to be a man by observing godly men in my home, local church, and in seminary long before I ever picked up a book on the subject. To be sure, there is tremendous value in working through a good book on masculinity from time to time, but don’t fixate upon masculinity to the exclusion of other necessary facets of Christian experience like prayer, personal Bible study, and exploring the riches of church history and systematic theology. Attaining “mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ” requires that we embrace the whole counsel of God. Only then will the men we disciple be “complete, equipped for every good work” (Eph. 4:13; 2 Tim 3:17).
What might this look like in practice? In my church, every Tuesday morning at 6:30 a.m. ten to fifteen men roll out of bed, pour a cup of coffee, and meet in the church fellowship hall to read and discuss Calvin’s Institutes of the Christian Religion (we are three quarters of the way through our second reading). The topic of study isn’t masculinity itself, but I can tell you that I have learned what it means to be a good husband, a good father, and a good churchman over the course of studying the deep truths of God alongside these men. Treat masculinity more like the train and less like the train station—masculinity ought to take us somewhere, namely to the destination of greater love and likeness to Christ. We are to be men, yes, but men who exist for the glory of Christ.
2. Men in the Cage-Stage
Everyone knows (or has been) a cage-stage calvinist at some point; that believer who though he is passionate about the truth of God is at the same time unnecessarily abrasive in the way he communicates that truth to others. You know the type. He’s the guy who questions whether Arminians can be saved and is only half joking when he says that Baptists must hate their children because they refuse to baptize them. You know, on second thought, maybe there is room in the church budget for that cage after all…
Many young men in our Presbyterian and Reformed churches fall into this category; men whose zeal for the Lord far outpaces their wisdom. It used to be that young men would grow out of the cage-stage after a year or two. For some, marriage proved to be the catalyst, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Prov. 18:22). For others, spending time around older, wiser men helped them temper and redirect their zeal to a constructive end. But, with the rise of self-proclaimed theologians on YouTube telling young men to lock themselves in the cage and to throw away the key, to go against the counsel of the old men and adopt their repackaged “discipline with scorpions” approach to life (1 Kings 12:6-11), church leaders cannot afford to sit back and wait for their young men to “grow out of it” like before. They must assume a more active roll and pursue their young men even if their sinful reflex is to withdraw and secretly hope that they leave the church and become someone else’s problem. It is our job to show them a better way. So introduce them to John Calvin, the Puritans, JC Ryle, R.C. Sproul, and others who communicated the truth of the gospel powerfully, without fear or compromise, and persuasively both to their generation and generations after them.
3. Men Who Lack a Sense of Purpose
Our age is an age marked by aimlessness. This aimlessness is the fruit of existential wrestlings so deep that we have people in our country who can’t give a straight-forward answer to simple questions like, “What is a woman?” or “What is a man?” How are we supposed to know what to do if we don't know who we are? Our situation is startlingly akin to Yogi Berra’s famous quip, “We’re lost, but we’re making good time.” The foolish man makes great time, but apart from the sanctifying work of the Spirit in his heart and mind the destination is anywhere but heavenward.
As the institutions and experiences that helped shape men of previous generations continue to wane in their influence (e.g. low military recruitment numbers and the movement away from traditional workplaces to remote working) young men are starving for connection and purpose. Their great-grandfathers stormed the beaches of Normandy, and here they are wasting the most productive years of their lives stuck behind a keyboard. They’re bored. They want their lives to matter. Couple this yearning for purpose with the relative ease of gaining followers on social media, especially if you deal in whatever the latest controversy is, and you have all the makings of a keyboard warrior whose only setting is scorched earth.
Herein is where church leaders need to remind their young men that God’s purpose for them is not found out there somewhere, far beyond their reach. God wants us to pursue holiness here and now. The Apostle Paul reminded the Thessalonians of the value and dignity of living quietly, minding their own affairs, and working with their hands, and so should we (1 Thess. 4:11). Show your men that God is really glorified and His kingdom advanced when single men live chastely, when husbands love their wives, when fathers are gentle and do not exasperate their children, and when elders keep watch over the flock entrusted to them. We have good work to do right here, and no, it isn’t flashy. But that’s never been what God is after.
Stephen is the pastor of Westminster PCA in Jacksonville, Florida and a co-host on Larger for Life.