Prepare Your Children to Die

I remember the last time I heard my first wife speak. As I remember, the last comprehensible words before cancer closed its jaws on her body and she was taken to glory were the precious mumbled lyrics, “Jesus, I my cross have taken.” She died well, full of faith and hope.

There is very little more important in life than death. It is by death that we feast on delicious food and are sustained. It is by death that we wage righteous war to defend our homes and people. It is by death that our sins are forgiven and we are welcomed into the family of God by Christ's blood. It is by death that we learn the greatest sweetness of God's peace and comfort when earthly bonds of bone and flesh are stripped away. And it is by death that we are welcomed home into our eternal rest with God. Death is the universal companion to every man. It waits at every traffic light, every cough, every ache, every storm. Its shadow is never far from us, no matter how many bright lights we fill our lives with. And as night falls and the lights dim, there can be no running or forgetting that death is ever near. And yet, we do love to run and try to forget.

We fill our days with all kinds of petty and large distractions and denunciations of death. We dye our beards to hide the hoary hairs that betray our aging and weakening bodies. We cling to childish things rather than embracing adulthood because we know that after adulthood is the grave. We ignore the realities of cataclysmic diagnoses, choosing a paper thin veneer of stoicism or total denial. To die is to be a creature. To die is to be a sinner. And in our pride we reject our sinful flesh and presume to live forever on our own power or simply refuse to reckon with our nature rightly. It's been said our culture is a culture of death and I believe that's true, and yet it is also a culture terrified of death. We celebrate when death comes for those we hate or view as inconvenient and then cower when death inevitably turns its cold gaze on us or our loved ones. And why does this culture exist? Because we and our fathers have sinned and failed. We have not prepared ourselves and our children to think rightly of death and to die well for the glory of God.

But as Christians, we are called to a different relationship with death than our culture and sin would plant in us. And, as fathers specifically, we are to raise our children up to view death as Christians and not as pagans or atheists. Death is an enemy, the Last Enemy, and yet it is also a gift and trial to be stewarded well. We rightly rejoice at the birth of a new life and celebrate birthdays and yet the Teacher says in Ecclesiastes 7:1, “A good name is better than precious ointment, and the day of death than the day of birth.” The day of death is better than the day of birth. Why? Because it is in death that we are released from sin and pain and brought into the presence of the Lord. It is the fulfillment of our earthly stories and transition to our heavenly stories. Death acts as the final test of this earthly school of Christ and in passing, we graduate into glory. The fullest proof of a good and faithful life is a good and faithful death. 

How many good stories (and sermons!) have been ruined by bad endings? And how much does a good ending set as a crown upon and enlighten the whole story? Death gives a unique meaning to life and the contemplation of death gives wisdom to live well. Again Ecclesiastes gives wisdom in 7:2, “It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.” Death gives weight to every moment because there is an end that is coming, and sooner than we can imagine. As Christians, we are called to die well to the glory of God and that requires good instruction. So how can we prepare our children to pass the test and die well? 

Firstly, the greatest weapon against our sinful tendencies is the ordinary means of grace given by God in private, family, and public worship. This might seem obvious but it's easy to miss. In worshiping with the saints, teaching your family, and studying the Scriptures yourself, you are not merely learning how to live well but also learning how to die well. The very doctrines and truth that provide for a godly life are the ones that will provide for a godly death. There is very rarely a special grace given to the believer at death that does not find its root in the ordinary means of grace in the believer’s life. The truth of God's Providence experienced in life, through trusting His faithfulness with your finances, seeing His preserving care in danger, knowing His wisdom in the timing of events, and more, comes to a head in trusting the Providence of God in your own death. The same is true of His love, His kindness, His faithfulness, and more. And these truths are understood and grown by the ordinary means of grace, through prayer, Word, and sacrament. So, go to church, not only that you may live well but that you may die well. Worship with your family not only to give your children a good and godly life, but so that they are prepared when their time comes to die, and worship God on your own so that you can be a fount of blessing as you and others go the way of all the earth. 

Secondly, fathers, go to the house of mourning with your children. There's a tendency to hide death and suffering from our children in order to protect them. While fathers should use discretion and be prudent as to what to expose their children to, it is good to go to the house of mourning and we ought not deny our children any good thing. Take your son to the visitation with you. Take your daughter to the hospital with you. Go as a family to the funeral. Sing Amazing Grace in the hot sun by the fresh grave and let the moment settle on them. You will find the children will understand and appreciate far more than you can imagine. Not only take them to these things, but speak plainly of death. There is no use in dressing that grim foe up in pretty robes of aphorisms, platitudes, or metaphors. And speak plainly of your own death. It will be here before they're ready and it is good to prepare them now for that day. 

Lastly, lead by example and die well yourself. There is no greater instruction for children than the actions of their father. Our speech can only go so far when our actions do not match. But leaving an example of a man on his deathbed and yet full of faith in Christ, love for God, and hope for the resurrection to come despite the pain and terror of death, is a powerful bidding in the lives of our children. Do not give in to the temptations of sin and the lies of the age to ignore death or to presume you will not die. Rather, prepare now and live in light of the certainty of your death that you might equip your children well for their own deaths. Imagine the horror and sorrow of a child whose father taught them the gospel truths of Christ, who professed great faith in the resurrection of the body and the life everlasting, who claimed to love God deeply and longed to be with Him, only to then cry in fear as death approached and cling to this world as though they had no hope. It would cast all their former professions and claims into shadow and leave doubt in their children's hearts. May it never be for you or for me brothers. May we be men who die well in the Lord. May we laugh as we say with Paul, “O death where is thy sting?” May we sing out with our dying breath, “Jesus, I my cross have taken.” And as we do, may our children see and learn themselves how to glorify our good God even in the face of death.

Jacob Hale serves as the Associate Pastor of North Hills in Meridianville, AL, teaches High School Bible at Westminster Christian Academy, and writes at https://wilderstill.substack.com/.