A Father's Work: Teaching Respect

Introduction

The one commandment that you would expect to be discussed in a book on parenting is the Fifth Commandment; “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”  This verse must be the most quoted verse by parents. However, this commandment is more than just a verse to present to children when they are struggling with obedience. It is a commandment that applies to parents as well. This installment challenges fathers to apply the Fifth Commandment more broadly than they may have in the past. And as fathers implement this commandment in the home, there will also be ample application in relationships with people outside the family too.

Honoring Your Parents in the Bible

The importance of honoring parents is established early in the Bible. For the most radical example, Deuteronomy 21:18-21 contains prescriptions for how to deal with a son who persistently refuses to yield to parental instruction. The punishment may be surprising to modern ears: the sentence was death. Though that chastisement is not applied today, Scripture clearly shows the severity with which God views sinning against this commandment. There are also repeated calls in the book of Proverbs for the child to obey the instructions of his father. 

In the New Testament, Jesus Himself models obedience to the Fifth Commandment as He lives with His earthly parents. In the epistles, both Ephesians 6:1-3 and Colossians 3:20 call children to obey their parents. The clear teaching of the Bible is that children are to honor their parents. These verses are just reminders of the Fifth Commandment. 

The Fifth Commandment Explained

The Westminster Shorter Catechism summarizes the purpose of the fifth commandment in this way “The fifth commandment requireth the preserving the honor, and performing the duties, belonging to everyone in their several places and relations, as superiors, inferiors, or equals.” This commandment has implications for everyone, because all live in these three “places and relations”. All people are superiors to some, inferiors to others, and equals with many. In all these relationships, Christians are to operate with respect and deference. This attitude is not due to the perceived value of that person, but because of the value God gave them in their position. Issues of respect can be easily divided into two categories. Honoring relationships in the family, church and society come first in action and second in word.

Honoring in Action and Word

Why should children be taught to honor in action? Fathers should teach their children to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. But God’s command to honor is an abstract concept. When a father tells his children to honor someone, what does that mean? Without practical examples of what honoring is, the words become meaningless. Fathers must provide ways for their children to practice honoring.

When children obey their parents, they are practicing the commandment to honor their father and mother. Obedience should be encouraged and expected from the very youngest age. Positively, fathers should make it clear that obedience is not optional. The Bible places fathers in authority and, as such, children should be expected to obey them. Expectations of obedience should vary based on the age of the child. As he matures, fathers may permit interaction about instructions given and the reasons behind it. However, disobedience to parents should never be accepted, no matter what age children may be. Fathers instruct and then are responsible to enforce, even if it feels like hard, unpleasant work. By insisting on obedience, fathers are teaching their children what it means to honor those in authority over them.

This same point about the Fifth Commandment can be made negatively. Fathers may not allow their children to disobey because of the implications of allowing it to go unchecked. To allow children disobedience is to teach children a personal assessment of all of God’s law. Colossians 3:20 says children are to obey their parents “in everything.” It is not up to the desires of the child. Neither is it conditional. Circumstances, age, and personality do not excuse them from this command. Obedience should be expected of any child under the father’s direct care and disobedience should be forbidden. However, fathers should be careful to distinguish between disobedience and innocent mistakes. 

In shepherding his child, the father must determine the nature of the child’s behavior. There are times when a father is not sure what just happened. For example, a child does something very cute or helpful instead of doing what they were instructed to do. Fathers will begin to question themselves: “Do they really know what they are doing?” For clarity, ask if they can repeat the instruction. If they do so accurately, however cute their actions may be, they have chosen to disobey dad’s instructions. That behavior is in the “rebellion” category. There are other moments when the intention of their behavior is blatantly clear. 

For example, when our oldest son was about two years old, we found him sitting in our pantry helping himself to a grand feast of chocolate. Not only was there chocolate all over his face, but also all over the floor. Although somewhat humorous to stumble across those situations as a father, it was my task to make sure he understood that obedience to instruction was not dependent on the presence of yummy treats. A father is to discern between the different kinds of disobedience and insist that his children live to the biblical standard of honoring their parents. The practical expression of that honor is obedience to their commands. Insistence on obedience does not restrict his children’s development and curiosity, but gives them opportunities to express their love for God properly through their obedience to Him. 

What are the implications? If a little toddler runs off in the other direction when his parents call him, he must not be allowed to enjoy this sin. Running away from an explicit command is sinful autonomy at a two-year-old level. The child’s behavior may seem cute at that age. But it will be noticeably less cute as an eight-year-old or as a teenager. God’s word requires children to obey their parents in everything, assuming they are not requiring them to sin. When fathers insist on it, it will give more joy in the relationship between a father and his children. That is not always felt in the short term, but certainly is often felt in the long term. God has promised a blessing with the Fifth Commandment. Honoring parents results in many days in God’s land of promise. That is not a magic formula, but God is setting before children the blessings that obedience brings. With that said, though, a harsh, uncaring demand for obedience will do more damage than good. Instead, a father’s example will have tremendous bearing on how children perceive these biblical instructions.

Leading by Action

Both Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21 teach fathers to train their children in such a way that they do not become angry or discouraged. These qualifiers indicate that a father’s authority is not without limit, or derived from his own person. It is a God-given authority that must be wielded as a steward according to God’s own instructions. At the same time, these passages are not teaching that instructions should be based on how a child receives them. If that were the standard, there are many occasions where children could claim discouragement to invalidate a father’s instruction. For example, children may become angry or “triggered” when asked to clean their room. They may be discouraged when standards for entertainment or modesty are enforced that differ from those of their peer group. But a father is called upon to lead by setting such standards. He is even required to do so. 

The Apostle Paul is a kind of spiritual father to the Corinthian church. After harshly rebuking them in his first letter to them, he explains himself in the second: “For even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it—though I did regret it, for I see that that letter grieved you, though only for a while.” The grief, or discouragement, the rebuke caused did not prevent the apostle from delivering the needed correction. So when does anger or discouragement become valid?

Colossians 3:21 clarifies the idea behind discouragement. There Paul instructs fathers with these words: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” The Scripture’s concern is not discouragement alone, but discouragement that comes from provocation. This verse challenges a father to a specific kind of child rearing. His decisions and manner should not provoke children to discouragement. Fathers can unnecessarily provoke their children in many ways. Below are a few examples.

Incomplete discipleship. When fathers neglect the faithful discipleship required of them in Scripture, their children may become discouraged and angry. If fathers do not explain the biblical reason for their instruction, children become slaves to the moment. Without discipleship, fathers become frustrated micro-managers, and children are provoked to discouragement because they are not able to navigate life without constant correction. For example, a father who works diligently to teach his children terms of respect, such as “Yes sir,” or “Yes dad,” without ever teaching them the principle of respect for authority will keep them from applying that same respect in other situations. That will force fathers to jump in when they respond to elderly Mr. Jones with a less than respectful address. However, if fathers teach their children that God wants them to honor authorities and that there are words that communicate this respect, the children can apply that principle in a host of other situations. Discipleship helps children understand the reason behind what they are doing. 

Child-centeredness. Fathers who treat their children like the world revolves around them are setting them up for discouragement.  Toddlers are allowed to take another child’s toy without consequence to prevent tears. Children speak rudely and ungratefully when visiting someone’s home, and they are not corrected because it is just the way they are. However, fathers should not be concerned first with the child’s happiness. They are to train their children to glorify God and enjoy him forever. When fathers concentrate on happiness they set their children up for discouragement. In a world where so many people view themselves as the center of the universe, it will not be long before children run into serious problems. There will soon be times when their desires will lose out to those of another. That will become exacerbated as children get older. 

A father forms the way his children view the world when they are young. If a father teaches them they are the center, their personal happiness will become the established expectation, making it more difficult to deny self. However, Scripture teaches that “whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.” The principle of self-denial is central to the Scriptures and is opposed to self-satisfaction. A father can help prepare children for the reality of Christian living or even just living in the world.  

Imagine a young man, trained to expect happiness at all times, reporting for his first job and being asked to do something not to his liking. Refusal to do the work means replacement is inevitable. Perhaps that seems far-fetched, but the point is decisions of discipleship that fathers make can have long-term consequences. A Christian will be asked to deny himself for the sake of being faithful to Christ. If he has been taught, even unintentionally, that the commandments of God can be set aside for the pursuit of his happiness, seeking Christ may become more challenging as the desires of the flesh take center stage.

Language and tone. Much is communicated through a father’s tone. Being a father can be challenging! That is not so only because sin flows from the child’s heart, but also because it flows from the father’s heart. Unhealthy yielding by a father to emotions in word and action will discourage children. A father’s tone can invalidate his words. The book of Proverbs says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Harsh words discourage children from following instruction. Instead of encouraging them toward love and good works, a father can push them toward harboring anger in their hearts. There are occasions to speak sternly to children. There are times when the seriousness of the moment will be conveyed by the tone of voice. However, if fathers are unnecessarily harsh with their children, they will discourage them. Sometimes a child’s question about the Bible seems silly, but a wise father answers him gently so that the child’s interest in God’s Word does not wither. The fifth commandment does not only have application for a child’s obedience, but for fathers and how they lead and disciple them. With these cautions in place, there is some specific practical help that can assist children to honor the Fifth Commandment.

Practical Implications

It is entirely appropriate to provide children of all ages ways they can practice honoring authority. A father’s instruction should move from theory to practice. The commandments themselves exist for that purpose. They are instituted that people would know how to love God and their neighbor. So fathers should give their children a chance to practice what they have been taught. Below are some suggestions.

Responding to instruction. The clearest applications of honoring authority for a child will follow direct instructions. If a father tells his son to clean up his room, how the child responds is a clear picture of his impression of the requirements of the fifth commandment. If he responds with a “No,” it is clear his impression of honoring his father is that it is unnecessary. If he responds with a “Sure,” he sees himself as addressing his peers. But if he responds with respectful terms such as “Yes sir,” or “Yes dad,” he has communicated two things. First, he indicates his intention to follow the instruction. Second, he has indicated he realizes the special nature of the relationship, in which he is under authority. Of course, children can turn this kind of response into disrespectful defiance. For that reason a father must be mindful of a child’s tone. However, generally speaking, respectful address allows the child to practice showing honor. Teaching common courtesy gives children a framework from which they can relate to others in authority over them in a way that obeys the Fifth Commandment. For example, when children take on part-time jobs, this lesson will serve them well. In today’s world, there are many disrespectful employees in the service industry. A father who teaches his children common courtesy and respect, prepares them to bear good witness to the Lord in this world. 

Interacting with the elderly. Church relationships are also affected by what children are taught at home. When children interact with the senior saints at church, it is important they understand how to honor those who have gone before them as their elders. They will do so through their tone and words, as much as in their actions. There is a biblical principle of honoring elders as found in the law: “You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the Lord.” This commandment to honor elders is an outworking of the Fifth Commandment. It takes the commandment beyond the nuclear family. A father can teach that principle to his children. How? Children can open doors for the elderly, make nice cards for them, be encouraged to greet them, or in a host of other ways.

Using titles of respect. An easy way to give an avenue for showing respect is the use of titles with adults: Mr., Mrs., Miss, etc. Oddly enough, adults may resist these attempts. In these cases, try to explain the aim. Children need ways to show respect to their elders. If the adult remains disturbed and offended, try a compromise. Maybe it needs to be Mr. Joe instead of Mr. Smith. The aim is to show respect to these people, not create an argument with them. If the child ends up offending people by trying to honor them, it is likely the goal is not being achieved. But, if possible, using titles will help the child learn what it means to honor people. They can easily recognize they are not addressing this person like they would their friends.

Greeting people. A father can choose one of the older members of the congregation and encourage his children to greet them Sunday morning. This interaction will have the added benefit of showing children there are benefits and delights to these relationships. Just by talking to Mrs. Smith, children will learn quickly there are things they do not know that Mrs. Smith does. Often the older people are blessed by the vibrancy of the young ones too.

Showing deference. Deference can be taught in hospitality. When guests are present, a father can invite the family’s guests to serve themselves for lunch before children help themselves. He might also encourage his children to offer to get drinks for visitors, hold open doors for the elderly, or carry something to their car.

Conclusion

In all the practical applications of the Fifth Commandment, fathers must not lose track of what they are seeking to accomplish: to provide a framework in which their children can learn to apply the commandments of Scripture in a broad range of settings for the glory of our God. To do so they must make sure that the application does not become the goal. They should never be satisfied because children know how to say “Yes sir.” What they are always trying to discern is whether their words are an expression of the joy in their heart flowing from their love for God, and how they can encourage them toward that goal.

Geoff Gleason has served as pastor of Cliffwood Presbyterian Church in Augusta, GA for the past 14 years. He and his wife Lisa have 11 children and 6 grandchildren. Geoff obtained his MDiv at Reformed Theological Seminary in Jackson, MS and his ThM at Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary.