The Father and His Children: Pitfalls and Practices

Introduction

This chapter examines the foundation of Christian fatherhood. I am speaking from the perspective of Christian experience and how a man lives out his role as a father. This article assumes the work of God in regeneration, justification, adoption, and the other monergistic graces. Here, the role of the Christian father is considered as part of God’s work of sanctification, or the process of being made holy as fathers.

The Basic Task of Parenting

The parent-child relationship is one of the foundational relationships of mankind. God created Adam and Eve and commanded them to be fruitful and multiply, in other words, to become parents. God’s original intention is that Adam would become a father. But God does not simply give the creation mandate, he also provides direction for how Adam, and fathers after him, should raise their children.

The roles played in human relationships affect what is to be done in them. For example, in an employer to employee relationship there are clear roles. The employer is the one giving instruction and providing the pay. The employee is the one carrying out the instruction and receiving the pay. As a result, the employee acts with deference toward the employer and refrains from issuing instructions to him. The role played in the relationship constrains the behavior. The same is true for Christian fathers. The role of the father should direct his behavior. So what does the Scripture teach about the roles of fathers?

By way of clarification, not all biblical stories of fathers and children are to be read as a commendation of what happens. For example, 2 Samuel 13 records David’s abdication of parental responsibility in the discipline of his son in the face of gross sin. This story is descriptive and should not be viewed as instruction. As father David should have dealt with his son Amnon. The Scriptures are not using that snapshot of history to teach about parenting, but rather to show God’s faithfulness despite the obvious sins and shortcomings of man. However, there are other places where the Bible specifically teaches about what fathers should do in raising their children.

Discipleship and Teaching

Proverbs 1:8-9 gives a picture of the aim of the Christian father by an exhortation for a covenant son:

Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and  pendants for your neck.

Proverbs is filled with exhortations for sons to listen to their father’s instruction. But that instruction is meant to lead to wisdom. The goal is to take teach so children can use their knowledge to live joyfully and well before the Lord. That essentially is wisdom. Wisdom is related to knowledge, but not identical to it. When it comes to children, then, fathers should teach them biblical concepts. But the purpose for doing this is to show them how they are to use that knowledge for the glory of God. In Ephesians 6:4 Paul writes, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger,  but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Fathers, are called to be the primary source of spiritual instruction for their children.

The Bible is a father’s only proper reference point. That does not mean that there is only one way to be a godly father. However, it does mean thinking about proper living starts with the Bible. God’s word alone is sufficient to instruct in every area of faith and practice.

Circumstances and personality means applications of what is said in the Bible may vary. And yet all fathers must turn to God’s word for their final answers. It does not matter what parenting magazines, friends, pediatricians or even pastors writing articles on fatherhood have said. Christian fathers follow Scripture. And yet fathers can and do fail in this regard. Colossians 3:21 exhorts fathers as follows: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” Below is a discussion of some of the pitfalls to help fathers be vigilant in their task and to keep them from being the cause of discouragement in their children.

The Negative Side: Possible Pitfalls

In my own experience of raising seven daughters and four sons, there have been times my children have been discouraged by my instruction. Perhaps they asked for a later bed-time and I declined, or floated the idea to be paid for their chores only to be rejected. Children will be discouraged by a father’s instruction at time. That is not what Colossians has in view. It is thinking of the ways in which fathers fail their children by neglect. Consider the following examples.

First, fathers fail by not praying for their children. The best father can only control external behavior. And yet the desire of a Christian father is a changed heart. It is impossible for fathers to achieve that result because only God changes hearts. In prayer, fathers express dependence on God for the spiritual health of their children. By neglecting prayer a father neglects the only source that can work in his child the thing he wants most.

Second, fathers fail by not living out what they require of their children. A father’s hypocrisy does much to undermine what he teaches his children. For example, fathers can explain the importance of speaking with respect from the Bible, and then turn around and speak disrespectfully of their boss, pastor, or government official, thus undermining by their behavior what they have said. Inconsistency between word and deed leaves children with the impression that whatever was said is not really important to dad. Full disclosure, all fathers will be inconsistent at times. To avoid discouragement, fathers should model repentance before the Lord and their families. Fathers can say, “Do you remember how I taught you about treating others with respect, children? Well, I have failed to set a good example and have asked God to forgive me. Will you forgive me too?” Failure does not undermine everything a father teaches, if it is addressed. In a father’s repentance children see he means what he says because he is living it out in humility and sincerity.

Third, fathers fail by being inconsistent in discipline. Fathers fail when they give their children a moving target. When even a young child is told not to touch the phone, and yet picks it up and pretends to have a conversation with Grandpa he is doing much more than just being cute. He is testing to see if dad means what he says. If a father does not insist on obedience, he creates confusion. The father’s inactivity will lead the child to conclude that phones really are not off limits. So what happens on the next day, when the father does correct that behavior? The child will became discouraged because the target has been moved. Consistency in discipline is difficult, but it is essential. A father must demonstrate resolve and consistency, to make it easy for their children to follow their leadership. Perhaps a good rule of thumb is not to give instruction you do not intend to enforce.

Fourth, fathers fail by not setting direction for the family. Children obviously have a sin nature which makes them not want to do certain things. Fathers may fail when they wait for their children to be ready before requiring them to follow. Fathers disciple their children from a position of authority, resolve and wisdom. They should not wait for happiness or consent from the child. A father’s first task is not to ensure the happiness of his children, at least in the short term. Fathers are to be concerned with their children’s holiness first. It is the father’s responsibility to insist on what the child himself may lack, or may not even desire.

Fifth, fathers fail by not preparing children for life. At times, fathers must give instruction in the heat of conflict. A child hits his brother, and dad steps in to restore order and correct. However, fathers should not only give instruction during a live event. People are usually not very teachable in the middle of a confrontation. Part of a father’s leadership is preparing children for future situations. Fathers should teach about the need to control anger before a child is provoked. He is to instruct them before they find themselves alone in the room with an unsupervised computer screen. He is to teach them how to speak politely to people before they meet strangers at the grocery store and are addressed by them.

The Positive Side: Biblical Instruction

Leaving aside the possible pitfalls of a father, they are also called positively to a glorious task. Fathers prepare their children with instruction from God’s word. Fathers should train their children to have a biblical foundation for their decisions. The Westminster Shorter Catechism is a valuable teaching aid in this task. That catechism divides the Bible’s teaching into two broad categories:

Q. 3. What do the Scriptures principally teach?

A. The Scriptures principally teach, what man is to believe concerning God, and what duty God requires of man. 

The biblical message is two-fold. First, it explains what man is to believe about God. Second, out of that knowledge and faith in God flows a godly life. The catechism simply reflects the biblical teaching: “Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” When joined to Christ through faith, His people are called to walk in his ways. But Christian fathers should not wait until children profess faith in Christ before teaching them of God and His holy ways. The Catechism helps fathers.

Catechizing, or teaching your children from a catechism, has been neglected in many Christian homes. However, there is an urgent need to rekindle the use of this historical teaching tool. Fathers are to pass on a right belief about who God is. Knowledge of God protects against rebellion against Him. Faithless Israel turns away from God because they have forgotten who He is. Psalm 78 says:

How often they rebelled against him in the wilderness and grieved him in the desert! They tested God again and again and provoked the Holy One of Israel. They did not remember his power or the day when he redeemed them from the foe, when he performed his signs in Egypt and his marvels in the fields of Zoan.

They rebelled against God because they did not remember his power. They did not remember how He led them out of Egypt. Remembering sits at the heart of catechetical instruction. The Catechism helps fathers teach their children who God is, their standing before Him, their need for a Savior and Christ as the only solution to their guilt. It also helps fathers show the joyful duty of the Christian life. 

The Westminster Shorter Catechism has much instruction about God’s law. Of the one-hundred and seven questions and answers, forty of them deal directly with the Ten Commandments. This emphasis is not just the preference of a few prickly old legalists who wanted to make sure subsequent generations did not have too much joy in their lives. Instead, it was the attempt by a group of god-fearing men to lay before the future generations how they can love the Lord their God with all their hearts, souls, minds and strength and their neighbors as themselves. Through catechetical instruction children learn of God’s nature, the need for salvation, and its origins. However, it also guides them in sanctification through the Moral Law.

Conclusion

Fathers have a unique position: to prepare their children for adulthood. Through prayer, integrity, consistency, authority and instruction in God’s word fathers prepare their children not just for survival in a physical sense. They prepare them for a life-time of service to the God who redeemed them.

Geoff Gleason has served as pastor of Cliffwood Presbyterian Church in Augusta, GA for the past 14 years. He and his wife Lisa have 11 children and 6 grandchildren. Geoff obtained his MDiv at Reformed Theological Seminary in Jackson, MS and his ThM at Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary.