Inferior Leadership: The Danger of Dissuading Our Children from Good

The Westminster Divines have given good counsel to us as fathers in WLC 130. Across the sands of time, they warn us aways from certain sins that we are prone to commit against our children. One of which is: “Dissuading, discouraging, or discountenancing them in that which is good.”

Sometimes this is done thoughtlessly or out of a desire to be more comfortable or less put out. Meanwhile our children truly are attempting to do what is good despite our lack of support. Other times this sin is committed because the hearts of the fathers are turned to evil, and they hate the idea of their children doing what is contrary to their own wicked agendas.

For example, when Jesus arrived and began to preach, Pharisees and scribes committed this sin as spiritual fathers by opposing Jesus and condemning the children of Israel for hearing him and believing him. Pharaoh in Exodus 5 attributed to idleness or laziness the desire of the Israelites to go out and worship the Lord. Actually, it was quite the opposite. It is a religious hunger and desire for activity that causes one to want to go through the trouble of all of the work to leave one place to go to another place to assemble to worship the Lord.

For fathers and mothers in the home, there are ways that we can directly or indirectly dissuade, discourage, or discountenance our children from doing that which is good. One of which is our own hypocrisy, and another is double mindedness (duplicity). We can talk a big game about being Christians, and we can speak about the importance of piety, and yet we can have such flaws and faults that are so unaddressed and so unrepented of in our own lives that our children can look upon us and our profession of faith and want nothing to do with our faith. Or sometimes, our poor attitudes and our grumbling about submitting to Christ or about doing our Christian duty can be such a turn off to our children that it dissuades them or discourages them from their own pursuit of faithfulness.

Sometimes as husbands, we can regularly grumble and complain about our responsibilities to such an extent that it can discourage or dissuade our sons from pursuing marriage. There is a lot of talk these days, and rightly so, about how generations of men recently have unduly delayed marriage. But there has been little talk about the contributing factors to such a thing, one of which—I believe—in the Church, has been that some men of generations past have not honored their wives or the institution of marriage with their words and countenance. Some verbalized their drudgery as they carried out their responsibilities. And some wives have done the same. And by grumbling against their husbands, by submitting in very disagreeable manner, or by failing to submit altogether (because it's too much of a burden upon their freedom as “empowered” women in today's society), women have in turn discouraged both son and daughter from pursuing marriage, which is a good endeavor. (Please note: I am not suggesting that all people of past generations have done this, to be sure. Many have handled themselves well.)

These are things—that if they are present our own lives—ought to be repented of, lest we repeat the mistakes of past generations. 

So, consider it. Men and women alike, consider it: if a young woman looks at her father and sees a man who begrudgingly leads his household, how could she not think, “Why would I rush off into such an arrangement in which a man will begrudgingly care for me and my children?” And if she sees such behavior in her mother, why would she long to partake in the institution that her own mother finds to be so miserable? 

And of course, the same thing can be true of young men. If a young man looks upon his mother and sees a miserable and disagreeable woman as she engages with her husband, why would the son give up his freedom as a bachelor to have his own wife who is like a dripping faucet? And if he witnesses his father hating his life as a husband, why would he rush off to become a married man just like him? 

And how about work? We want our children to grow up to be people who work hard and work well. We want to raise kids into adults with a strong work ethic who are well thought of in their workplace. We want to raise kids who will stand before kings because of their skills and labors. But if we constantly grumble about our bosses, our hours, our job description, or our co-workers, will we accidentally dissuade them from “launching” into their own career? We will unintentionally discourage them from loving work, working hard, and working well? God forbid it! We are to work heartily unto the Lord, and we certainly want to raise kids who desire to fulfill the cultural mandate, and—despite the curse upon work—rejoice at the opportunities that they are given to work, provide, and fulfill their callings. 

Let us consider the ways that we unintentionally dissuade and discourage various good things that our children pursue.

Nate Xanders is the pastor of Christ the King Church (PCA) in Louisville, TN and serves as an editor for Reforming Men.