Confess Like a Man

Have you ever been taught how to confess your sin like a man?

By that, I mean that we are churchmen, not church mice.

So, why do so many of us confess our sins like hamsters falling off the wheel or lab rats making a break for it after getting out of the cage?  

When men confess their sins, they are either too prideful to make a clear statement about their sin—just waiting for the moment to be over so they can get out of the room (the rat making a break for it). Or they are ignorant of what to say or how to say it (the poor hamster looking lost and stumbling off his own wheel). 

Here, we will tackle the issue of ignorance. I think many men today did not have fathers or church elders who explicitly instructed them in how to confess their sin. I can only equip you with a biblical understanding of how to confess your sin—I cannot grow a spine for you. But if you have a backbone at the bottom of that brain of yours, this is how to confess your sin. This is the cure for your Hamster Syndrome:

{These are The 7 A’s of Confession from Peacemaker Ministries. These principles are derived from Matthew 7.3-5, 1 John 1.8-9, and Proverbs 28.13. The elaboration of each point is my own.}

1. Address everyone involved. Our sin offends others. When we sin, we should address both God and man. God is always offended by our sin, but from sin to sin, who else we harmed will vary. Thoughtfully consider who was impacted and address them. Consider WCF 15.6: “As every man is bound to make private confession of his sins to God…he that scandalizes his brother, or the church of Christ, ought to be willing, by a private or public confession, and sorrow for his sin, to declare his repentance to those that are offended…”

2. Avoid words like “if, but, maybe.” No qualifiers, no blame shifting. You took no prisoners when you sinned. So, don’t turn around and nerf your confession—don’t soften the blow. Stand tall in the pocket and have the gumption to deliver your confession rightly. It is more shameful to softly confess than to bear the humiliation of extreme ownership.  Do not point the finger at other people. God will deal with their sin later—this is about your sin.

3. Admit specifically. WCF 15.5 says, “Men ought not to content themselves with a general repentance, but it is every man’s duty to endeavor to repent of his particular sins, particularly.” We cannot just say, “I sinned,” and then try to move on. We are guilty of specific transgressions and iniquities. What are they? People should not hear your confession and wonder, “What exactly are we supposed to be forgiving you for? I’m not sure what you did.” You owned the sin while doing it—own the sin while confessing.

4. Acknowledge the hurt. In addition to considering who we impacted by our sin, we need to consider how much and in what manner it affected them. There is a chasm between saying, “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt by what I did” and the truth of the matter, which sounds more like this: “I sinned against you. I broke your trust, I betrayed you, I broke this promise or that one. I can see how anxious and disturbed you have been by this: you have lost sleep, you have wept, you have lost your appetite, you questioned your sanity or your salvation...Because of my sin, you have been [insert specifics here].” 

5. Accept the consequences. Grace is magnificent. It’s simply unbelievable. The forgiveness and mercy of Jesus covers our sins, and because of his righteousness, we can have eternal blessing in glory. All of that is true, and yet there can still be earthly consequences: church censure, job loss, demotions, financial cost, and so on and so forth. There are earthly, temporal consequences even though our heavenly, eternal position is secured in and by Christ. Some people just cannot seem to square this in their minds: some act as if redemption is impossible. While others seem to think that claiming the blood Jesus means that they get to avoid the pain of their sin here on earth. Both are errors. Accept the just and equitable consequences of your actions. 

6. Alter your behavior. Years ago, I encountered a man who would try to use the phrase, “I’m a sinner, I repent” like a trump card to end the conversation about his actions and how they affected others. That is not true confession. Confession and repentance go together like peanut butter and jelly with the Gospel promises being the bread. A good confession is lived out—the thought pattern, the desires, and the actions that led to the sin must be left behind. And it is not a magical, momentary, one-time event. There is a grace driven striving that must be undertaken. We will likely continue to wrestle with the underlying sin and temptation. But by the presence and power of the Spirit, we can walk in repentance. “Repentance unto life is an evangelical grace…By it, a sinner…upon the apprehension of his mercy in Christ to such as are penitent, so grieves for, and hates his sins, as to turn from them all unto God, purposing and endeavoring to walk with him in all the ways of his commandments.” (WCF 15.1-2)

7. Ask for forgiveness. If all that you say is: “I’m sorry”—you are hedging your bet. You are protecting yourself. Saying, “I am sorry, will you forgive me?” allows the other person to say something painful: “I do not forgive you.” It is painful to ask for forgiveness. And the degree to which we shield ourselves from that pain, we rob ourselves from the potential blessing of being forgiven. Asking for forgiveness opens you up to pain, but also to the unrivaled experience of being forgiven.  

Brother, as you read this, please know that I write as a man who has not perfected these principles, nor have I always done confession well. I write as a man who has a great need to practice these elements of confession, and I have been blessed by applying them. There is so much freedom in Christ, and confessing sin this way motivates us to greater holiness, and it helps us experience the deep love of the Father. As we grow in our understanding of our own sinfulness, we grow in our understanding of God’s grace. When we fail to properly confess our sin, we rob ourselves of the joy that accompanies being forgiven by God and also our fellow man.

Nate Xanders is the pastor of Christ the King Church (PCA) in Louisville, TN and serves as an editor for Reforming Men.